Today on the psychologist, we had a talk about an old dream I had, the first one I told to my first psychologist. It is about a forest, a gas pipe, I hitting the pipe, everything blowing up and the forest burning.
The first psychologist just said it was that the forest was my potential and seeing it burn meant that I felt I was losing my potential. Today I had another vision of it.
The forest is natural, and a pipe is manufactured. The pipe is a way to conduct energy (gas) on a controlled manner. So we have the conflict between a natural thing and a purely manufactured, un-natural, thing. The explosion is the conflict between the natural and the artificial. Also, there is nothing so human manufactured than the area I work with, and there is nothing more natural than the instincts that took me over a few months.
That made me thing, again, that I’m in the wrong working area. See, I follow my instincts, I choose code paths just because I have this feeling that this thing will work better than other things, even if I can’t explain why. And that’s nothing people expect from someone in this area: things work or don’t because a reason and I can’t explain this.
Also, there is something really really annoying me: Every time I hear “Coming back to life”, exactly where it says “For killing the past and coming back to life”, I can feel tears coming to me for some unknown reason. And I can’t stop thinking that I have this feeling of leaving everything behind and starting over on a different place, with different people.
Maybe the time has come. Time to kill my past and coming back to life…