In search of my spirituality

I was born in a catholic family, so I was baptized and had my first communion. When you are young, you really don’t think too much about it; it simply is.

When I got older, they idea of some über-being, which could control everything and everyone (how could you get what you want if It couldn’t change the way some people thing?) seemed really impossible. I couldn’t believe in such thing. So I start calling me atheist. I remember mum almost freaking out when I said that.

On my depression crisis, when I was doing therapy, I got hooked into psychology. I really like the idea of something deeper inside that could explain what we are and why we take some decisions. I start reading Jung and came with some of his thoughts about spirituality. He believed that, for a complete integration between the unconscious and conscious pieces of the mind, a man must find his spirituality. He also made pretty clear that it was not related to religion: most religions were interested mostly in filling their pockets and not in saving someone soul. At that point, I decided that the only “God” I needed was inside me. In a quiz, I got the answer (unless the person that made the quiz doesn’t really understand religion): I was a Satanist, someone who believes that spirituality and salvation comes from within, not from something outside.

I kept that idea of “there is no God” for a long time. Till, in 2005 (when mum finally accepted my atheism), when I was in trip in Europe with my parents, I couldn’t stop thinking that there was something really strong with it, as mum wanted to get inside every church when came to. How could something that doesn’t exist move such woman, older and more experienced than me? But, still, there was no God.

And then I moved to Australia. And, facing some difficult time, I caught myself looking at the sky, in the night, asking “It is that what You planned?” And I knew there would be no answer. But, somehow, I felt I was talking to someone, even if that someone couldn’t change a thing about anything that was going on and would never answer any question. I start to believe, at that point, that there was some über-being, but It wouldn’t change my life, someone else’s life or make some miracle and fix everything in my life. But It was there, no matter what. And talking to someone (I can’t really remember if it was someone here in Australia or someone back in Brazil), I got the name for that belief: Deism.